Dunno if I could have done it. Just stand back up and keep going. Keep dealing with the thing that kiled me? It's been a long ass time since I died and I still can't shake it.
[He taste-tests the sauce. Just. Casually having this little heart to heart while they cook.]
[He'd really been hoping that he could shift the conversation by admitting how impressive he found literally all of Katsuki, but...
They're still talking about death.
If he was a better person he could do this. He could ask Katsuki how he died, have this talk about it or whatever but... This is too scary. His own death, Katsuki's death... He's too much of a coward to do this!
Suddenly he's hit with visions of a funeral, of being too emotional, and angry, of making everyone uncomfortable, wondering why everyone else wasn't as upset as he was and did they not really love Rika like they claimed to?
When the vision fades he's already full-on crying and he has to back away from the vegetables and turn to run down the hallway.]
[He can tell he's mistepped even before Yoosung starts crying. Guilt hits him like a truck. He did just kind of... hit Yoosung with a heavy conversation topic. He stands there, watching Yoosung run from the room.
It takes him a moment to decide what to do. He sits the mixing bowl down on the counter and hesitantly makes his way down the hall to check on him. It's possible Yoosung will want to be alone right now. But Katsuki can't just ignore him or leave him. So he follows. Stopping at the bedroom doorway, not crossing the threshold. Not without invitation.]
Hey...
[He... scrambles for the words.]
If you need some space, I can go finish cooking by myself. And you can join me when you're ready.
[He will sleep on the couch again if he has to. Just to be close if Yoosung needs him. He did cause this after all.]
But if you need someone to cry on, my shirt is super absorbent so...
[A little something lighthearted while he's being serious in his offer.]
[It's funny because just a week or so ago he was apparently all ready to die (repeatedly, even!) in the name of being helpful? And last month he was easily making jokes about dying on a roller coaster?
And now here he is, crying on his bed because he had to think for two seconds about Katsuki dying and recalling his own death and then having visions about the death of someone he's never even met! He feels a little crazy, to be honest. He isn't sure what's going on with himself and that's just another scary thing to add to the pile.
He looks up when he hears Katsuki in the doorway, and his heart skips a beat at the fact that he'd followed him. That he's making an offer of giving Yoosung whatever he needs in this moment: space or comfort. It takes his breath away.]
Katsuki... I... You...
[He takes in a shaky breath, then holds his hand out towards his friend, silently asking him to... To come closer? To hold his hand? Something.]
[Katsuki steps through the doorway, moving to sit on the bed beside Yoosung. Taking the hand that's reaching out to him.]
I'm not too good with the comfort shit. With having the right words or whatever? But you can cry as much as you need and I can sit here and hold your hand.
[He's already said the right words, really. Just knowing that Katsuki is willing to do this for him even though he feels like it's not something he's good at? It just... It all means a lot. He feels like his heart could burst with how much he's feeling, how much affection for Katsuki. He could kiss him except it doesn't feel like the right time, and he doesn't want to ruin everything. The point is the feeling still exists, sitting there weighing heavy on his chest.]
Thank you. [A sniffle escapes as he looks down at their clasped hands.] I'm sorry I reacted how I did, and ran away from you...
[This is becoming a reoccurring thing for them. Holding hands. Katsuki likes it. He wishes it could happen under better circumstances than him taking it as a challenge or Yoosung seeking comfort. But... it's nice?]
Hit you with something heavy that you weren't ready for.
[Yoosung reacted so much bigger to this stuff than he was used to. He's only really discussed his actual death with two people and both handled it a lot differently. He's not sure Yoosung can handle the full story. How it happened. How young he'd been. He might not ever be able to share this part of him.]
I'm... I'm still having trouble with all of this, because my life was so simple before Libra, you know? And now it's not... But... I want to know more about you, Katsuki. I just, um... I need this--
[He gives their hands a little squeeze, and leans a little against Katsuki's side if he'll let him.]
I need this. So that I know... You're here. You're still here, we're both still here and...
[He trails off, a little frustrated because he doesn't know how to put it, but...]
Can you tell me while we're close, so I don't feel so much like the world is ending?
[He lets Yoosung lean on him. This is another pretty common occurrence. Yoosung is so... in his personal space all the time. And maybe Katsuki should have realized sooner how okay with that he is?
He thinks about what Yoosung is saying and then guides his hand, bringing it to his chest. The left side, where Yoosung will be able to feel the steady beat of his heart. He questions if that's too intimate. But... he wants Yoosung to feel grounded. Reassured.]
[Maybe it is pretty intimate, but it brings Yoosung back to when he'd woke up disoriented and panicking and Katsuki was there. He'd put his hand on his chest then without Katsuki doing it for him, and had regulated his breathing by trying to match it to his.
Now he's got his heartbeat under his palm, and if he could he'd match his own to that too. Thinking about it helps, anyway.
He closes his eyes for a moment. Breathes deep, in and out. Then looks up at Katsuki.]
[God, Yoosung's eyes are stupidly pretty... Katsuki has to look away because if he stares at them he won't be able to focus.]
I don't really remember how old I was when it happened. I kmow I can't really remember a time when I didn't have the kitsune with me. I don't think I was in school yet. So maybe... four or five?
[He idly runs his fingers over the back of Yoosung's hand. Still keeping his over Yoosung's.]
I was out playing around in the woods. Trying to catch tadpoles. Wanted to bring them to a friend who was sick... but I fell in.
[Drowned. The details are a little hazy but... he remembers the voice. The question. Did he want to live?]
The kitsune decided to offer me a second chance. And I took it.
[And that's... it, really.]
Still don't know how to swim. Can't bring myself to try.
[Yoosung watches Katsuki intently as he speaks, briefly and unintentionally pressing his fingers harder against Katsuki's chest when he says "I fell in."
He's tearing up again, and he puts his cheek against Katsuki's shoulder, breathing in.]
I don't blame you... That's really scary, but... I'm... I'm also really glad that you're still here. And if... I dunno how all this possession stuff works exactly, but if your kitsune ever needs anything else, that I can give...
[He shifts so that his lips are at Katsuki's shoulder instead, practically burying his face there as he whispers:]
[Hello, heart, you sure are giving him a hard time lately. Yoosung's fingers curling towards his chest, pressing harder. His face pressed to Katsuki's shoulder. His tears on Katsuki's behalf. His offer. It all just...]
And you think you're not impressive...
[He chuckles, watery, turns his head so he can nuzzle his nose into Yoosung's hair a little. Stupidly intimate. He's known this person... about a month? And they've just clicked. And it's terrifying. But also comforting?]
[Ah... That response, especially coming from Katsuki... It feels good and makes his heart ache all at once. He definitely didn't say it to be impressive, but... Somehow it did impress Katsuki, and the knowledge of that means the absolute world.
And then Katsuki nuzzles into his hair and he makes an almost pained noise, unable to help it, his heart aching with emotion.]
Y.. yeah... I'll go with you. After all, who else will you boss around to chop the vegetables? Rika?
[There's a nearly manic but short-lived giggle there. But he still doesn't really want to move.]
[The joke makes him chuckle, more relief than anything. He's good. Yoosung's good. They're both good.]
Hey, maybe she has a secret talent for chopping things.
[He's still holding onto Yoosung's hand, which is still against his chest. And somehow knowing that Yoosung can feel his heart beating makes him feel more certain that he's alive. Honestly speaking he's had a lot of moments of uncertainty there. Questioning if he was really alive. But he feels alive right now. So he likewise doesn't want to move.
After a few seconds he gives Yoosung's hand a squeeze and hesitantly guides it away before letting go.]
C'mon. I'm gonna teach you how to flip food in a wok.
[He says quietly half just thinking out loud though partially his mind is still stuck on their hands and Katsuki's heartbeat.
Eventually Katsuki gives his hand one last squeeze and releases it, and Yoosung sighs softly, only a little in disappointment but mostly in... Contentment? This all feels really nice. And right. Like they're right where they're supposed to be. Together.
His smile brightens, eyes lighting up at Katsuki's words as he stands up from the bed.]
Mm, I don't think Rika would do that, she's nice to Hana. But she might menace people.
[He says this as they pass her in the hallway to the kitchen. Rika follows them into there with her arms crossed, looking at them with something like tired exasperation.
Yoosung pats her on the head and she sighs loudly.]
Sorry, you probably don't like me talking about you like you're not here, huh? Sometimes I forget Pokemon are more people-like than other animals are. I wish the university had Pokemon studies...
[It's not until Katsuki brings that up that the wheels start turning in Yoosung's head and he realizes... He talks to Rika about Katsuki. She knows he writes in his journal about him too. She understands. This was definitely not a mistake.
Yoosung squeaks, and pulls Rika aside, kneeling to speak to her.]
You need to be good or I'll have to keep you in your PokeBall whenever Katsuki is here! Okay? Please?
[Nothing to see here, just a man pleading with his Meowth.
She pouts at him, but then jumps on the counter to grab the journal and scampers off to return it to wherever she found it. Yoosung sighs in relief and heads to the cutting board again to resume chopping veggies.]
[Katsuki glances up at the squeak, watching Yoosung pull Rika aside. But he's not really interested in what he might be saying to her. Instead he finishes chopping things and starts the actual cooking. Waiting for Yoosung to finish and join him.
When he does, Katsuki looks over his shoulder at him.]
[Yoosung pays close attention, determined enough to make Katsuki proud that he powers through any distraction by his presence or proximity, taking in the movements.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Dunno if I could have done it. Just stand back up and keep going. Keep dealing with the thing that kiled me? It's been a long ass time since I died and I still can't shake it.
[He taste-tests the sauce. Just. Casually having this little heart to heart while they cook.]
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They're still talking about death.
If he was a better person he could do this. He could ask Katsuki how he died, have this talk about it or whatever but... This is too scary. His own death, Katsuki's death... He's too much of a coward to do this!
Suddenly he's hit with visions of a funeral, of being too emotional, and angry, of making everyone uncomfortable, wondering why everyone else wasn't as upset as he was and did they not really love Rika like they claimed to?
When the vision fades he's already full-on crying and he has to back away from the vegetables and turn to run down the hallway.]
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It takes him a moment to decide what to do. He sits the mixing bowl down on the counter and hesitantly makes his way down the hall to check on him. It's possible Yoosung will want to be alone right now. But Katsuki can't just ignore him or leave him. So he follows. Stopping at the bedroom doorway, not crossing the threshold. Not without invitation.]
Hey...
[He... scrambles for the words.]
If you need some space, I can go finish cooking by myself. And you can join me when you're ready.
[He will sleep on the couch again if he has to. Just to be close if Yoosung needs him. He did cause this after all.]
But if you need someone to cry on, my shirt is super absorbent so...
[A little something lighthearted while he's being serious in his offer.]
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And now here he is, crying on his bed because he had to think for two seconds about Katsuki dying and recalling his own death and then having visions about the death of someone he's never even met! He feels a little crazy, to be honest. He isn't sure what's going on with himself and that's just another scary thing to add to the pile.
He looks up when he hears Katsuki in the doorway, and his heart skips a beat at the fact that he'd followed him. That he's making an offer of giving Yoosung whatever he needs in this moment: space or comfort. It takes his breath away.]
Katsuki... I... You...
[He takes in a shaky breath, then holds his hand out towards his friend, silently asking him to... To come closer? To hold his hand? Something.]
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I'm not too good with the comfort shit. With having the right words or whatever? But you can cry as much as you need and I can sit here and hold your hand.
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Thank you. [A sniffle escapes as he looks down at their clasped hands.] I'm sorry I reacted how I did, and ran away from you...
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Hit you with something heavy that you weren't ready for.
[Yoosung reacted so much bigger to this stuff than he was used to. He's only really discussed his actual death with two people and both handled it a lot differently. He's not sure Yoosung can handle the full story. How it happened. How young he'd been. He might not ever be able to share this part of him.]
We don't have to talk about it.
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[He gives their hands a little squeeze, and leans a little against Katsuki's side if he'll let him.]
I need this. So that I know... You're here. You're still here, we're both still here and...
[He trails off, a little frustrated because he doesn't know how to put it, but...]
Can you tell me while we're close, so I don't feel so much like the world is ending?
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He thinks about what Yoosung is saying and then guides his hand, bringing it to his chest. The left side, where Yoosung will be able to feel the steady beat of his heart. He questions if that's too intimate. But... he wants Yoosung to feel grounded. Reassured.]
You sure?
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Now he's got his heartbeat under his palm, and if he could he'd match his own to that too. Thinking about it helps, anyway.
He closes his eyes for a moment. Breathes deep, in and out. Then looks up at Katsuki.]
I'm sure. Please tell me?
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I don't really remember how old I was when it happened. I kmow I can't really remember a time when I didn't have the kitsune with me. I don't think I was in school yet. So maybe... four or five?
[He idly runs his fingers over the back of Yoosung's hand. Still keeping his over Yoosung's.]
I was out playing around in the woods. Trying to catch tadpoles. Wanted to bring them to a friend who was sick... but I fell in.
[Drowned. The details are a little hazy but... he remembers the voice. The question. Did he want to live?]
The kitsune decided to offer me a second chance. And I took it.
[And that's... it, really.]
Still don't know how to swim. Can't bring myself to try.
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He's tearing up again, and he puts his cheek against Katsuki's shoulder, breathing in.]
I don't blame you... That's really scary, but... I'm... I'm also really glad that you're still here. And if... I dunno how all this possession stuff works exactly, but if your kitsune ever needs anything else, that I can give...
[He shifts so that his lips are at Katsuki's shoulder instead, practically burying his face there as he whispers:]
I'll do it. I'd do it.
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And you think you're not impressive...
[He chuckles, watery, turns his head so he can nuzzle his nose into Yoosung's hair a little. Stupidly intimate. He's known this person... about a month? And they've just clicked. And it's terrifying. But also comforting?]
...I should finish dinner. In a few minutes.
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And then Katsuki nuzzles into his hair and he makes an almost pained noise, unable to help it, his heart aching with emotion.]
Y.. yeah... I'll go with you. After all, who else will you boss around to chop the vegetables? Rika?
[There's a nearly manic but short-lived giggle there. But he still doesn't really want to move.]
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Hey, maybe she has a secret talent for chopping things.
[He's still holding onto Yoosung's hand, which is still against his chest. And somehow knowing that Yoosung can feel his heart beating makes him feel more certain that he's alive. Honestly speaking he's had a lot of moments of uncertainty there. Questioning if he was really alive. But he feels alive right now. So he likewise doesn't want to move.
After a few seconds he gives Yoosung's hand a squeeze and hesitantly guides it away before letting go.]
C'mon. I'm gonna teach you how to flip food in a wok.
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[He says quietly half just thinking out loud though partially his mind is still stuck on their hands and Katsuki's heartbeat.
Eventually Katsuki gives his hand one last squeeze and releases it, and Yoosung sighs softly, only a little in disappointment but mostly in... Contentment? This all feels really nice. And right. Like they're right where they're supposed to be. Together.
His smile brightens, eyes lighting up at Katsuki's words as he stands up from the bed.]
Yeah! I'll be careful not to drop anything~
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[Katsuki is fond of Julian. Just like he's fond of Rika.
He stands up, heading back to the kitchen so they can finish getting everything ready. He's super hungry now. But he still isn't going to rush it.]
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[He says this as they pass her in the hallway to the kitchen. Rika follows them into there with her arms crossed, looking at them with something like tired exasperation.
Yoosung pats her on the head and she sighs loudly.]
Sorry, you probably don't like me talking about you like you're not here, huh? Sometimes I forget Pokemon are more people-like than other animals are. I wish the university had Pokemon studies...
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[He pretty much just thinks Rika was giving Yoosung a hard time.
He heads over to start heating the wok. He wants it good and hot before he even adds anything.]
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Yoosung squeaks, and pulls Rika aside, kneeling to speak to her.]
You need to be good or I'll have to keep you in your PokeBall whenever Katsuki is here! Okay? Please?
[Nothing to see here, just a man pleading with his Meowth.
She pouts at him, but then jumps on the counter to grab the journal and scampers off to return it to wherever she found it. Yoosung sighs in relief and heads to the cutting board again to resume chopping veggies.]
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When he does, Katsuki looks over his shoulder at him.]
C'mere.
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He's blushing just a little as he nods silently and moves over to where Katsuki is, standing close.]
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[He tilts the wok, the contents sliding a bit to that side.]
And then it's just a flick of the wrist to bring them up and back.
[He demonstrates with careful, practiced ease. Trying to do it slow enough that Yoosung can follow the movement.]
Up and back. Up and back. Not too hard or you'll fling 'em onto yourself and the floor.
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He continues to nod at what Katsuki tells him.]
Mm. You're really good at that!
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